Based on a true story, this is a tale of a foolish knight who faces the horrors of the Super Mario Bros. movie.
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Playlabirian there was a young knight named Oscar. His curiosity had led him to many marvelous adventures, but the story I’m about to tell might have been his last. What killed the cat perhaps was the end of Oscar too. Now that I have your attention let the story begin.
One day Oscar travelled to the king’s castle. He was very loyal to the crown so he wanted to share the idea for his next escapade with his king, King Laurie. After arriving to the king’s court Oscar kneeled before the king.
“Your Majesty, I’d like to propose an idea for my next journey”, Oscar said while bowing down.
“Go ahead, my child”, King Laurie said and laid his hand on Oscar’s shoulder.
Oscar raised his head, cleared his throat, and said: “I’d like to meet the SMB Monster.”
King Laurie quickly pulled his hand away from the shoulder like the shoulder was suddenly in flames. His face was full of fear.
“My child, are you sure you want to encounter that foul creature?” the king asked with a shivering voice. He turned his eyes away.
Oscar grabbed the king’s hand, looked into his eyes, and without any hesitation said: “You know how sure I am. I’ve heard the horrible things people say about the Monster, but I’d like to personally see if any of those rumors are true.”
King Laurie sighed. He gave permission for the journey but he didn’t look happy at all with his decision. Oscar stood up and walked away. The silence was oppressive as he exited the court.
Oscar began his search for the creature from the caves of U’Tooba. He didn’t have to travel deep until he saw the Monster stalking in the shadows. The Monster had noticed him and just kept staring as Oscar walked closer.
“Are you the SMB Monster?” Oscar asked to break the silence even though he knew the answer. The Monster smiled.
“Of course I am! You know, you humans call me with different names but Good Movie is never one them”, the Monster said with a deep voice.
“Why is it so?” Oscar asked, baffled.
“Oh, you’ll see! Come take a closer look and I’ll show you”, the Monster huffed and laughed. Oscar wasn’t afraid as he stepped next to the Monster. It stayed in the shadows thus making it impossible to get a perfect view on it. Still, the view was good enough for Oscar to see all the horrors the Monster was willing to offer. The experience was like a fever dream with moving pictures and noises.
At first everything was just fine. Oscar could hear the familiar tune from the first Super Mario game, but soon he was in the middle of horribly animated dinosaurs. That wasn’t even as bad as what followed. Oscar saw Mario who was a grumpy, middle-aged plumber living in New York with his brother Luigi. At one point Mario even shouted that he’s going to break bones first and then kill. Luigi, instead, was an awkward teenager without any moustache.
“What have you done to Mario and Luigi?” Oscar asked from the Monster.
“Let’s say I took some liberties”, the Monster answered and winked. “Now, continue watching. I have a few surprises for you.”
Its version of Toad was a street musician with a psychobilly haircut. Later on Toad was turned into a Goomba. Goombas were the opposite of what they looked in Mario games as they had a tiny head and a giant body. Oscar would have never guessed that he’d see Goomba-Toad being burned with a flamethrower. It was so ridiculous it made Oscar smirk.
Suddenly the Monster asked: “What if Big Bertha was a woman instead of a giant fish and Mario sticked his face into her cleavage?”
Before Oscar could say a word it actually happened. It was just one of the many scenes that were odd. Oscar noticed that everything the Monster showed had very little to do with Mario games. However, the things he saw were also full of weird Mario references. In a strange way, the things were and weren’t Mario related at the same time. It made the experience quite unique.
The plot of the things Oscar saw was basically the same as in Mario games: Mario and Luigi tried to save the princess from King Koopa. However, now everything happened in an alter dimension full of dinosaurs. Koopa needed the princess to merge two dimensions and become the ruler of both of these worlds. Because the princess was Luigi’s love interest she was Daisy instead of Peach. Mario was already dating some Daniella who he wanted to take to see WrestleMania.
Finally, the Monster finished its show. Now Oscar understood why people could hate it, but he thought that it wasn’t that bad after all as he actually enjoyed some parts of the things he saw. In the end, the Monster was just a very silly and goofy creature who shouldn’t be taken too seriously. In its own way it offered an enjoyable show even though it had very little to do with Super Mario. Still, it wasn’t a great monster by any means as it was full of monster clichés. Oscar left the Monster, and that is the end of this story.
4/10
Directed by: Annabel Jankel, Rocky Morton
Written by: Parker Bennett, Terry Runte, Ed Solomon
Starring: Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper
Release date: 28.5.1993
Running time: 104 minutes
All images appearing in this review are the property of Allied Filmmakers and Hollywood Pictures.
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